PARENTING BOOK PART 1

 

INTRODUCTION

Children are a sacred trust given by Allah to their parents. Abu Hurairah related that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said: "Every child is born in a state of Fitrah (Purity - as a Muslim). It is his parents who will turn him into a Jew, a Christian or a Magian (Sun worshipper)." - reported by Bukhari.

According to Imam Al-Ghazali, a child is like an uncut diamond. The parent's responsibility is to cut, shape, and polish their child's soul until it becomes a glitteringly beautiful jewel, pleasing to the eye of Allah. Clearly, it is the parents who determine whether their children will become of fine character or not.

Every parent wishes to raise their children to become noble souls, good in every way; but, many do not know how to achieve that goal in an effective manner.

There are two primary requirements:

1. Parents have to know how a child's character or personality is developed.





2. Parents must themselves possess right values that will act as the basis for shaping their children's character; these right values are the traditional values of Islamic Character, and children must be raised to understand their role as Representative of Allah in this world (Khalifah Allah).

By combining these two necessary aspects of character development, parents will be able to shape their children to be excellent individuals in this world and the next.

 

What are the factors that influence the shaping of character?

The primary factor that determines every person's character is their environment.

The environment consists of three aspects that will influence an individual's character:

1. Physical Environment
2. Social Environment
3. Inner Speech

Additionally, the effect of the environmental factors is coloured by the individual's unique perception of their environment.

1. Physical Environment (the material world around us)



2. Social Environment (Interpersonal communication)



1. Direct Human Interaction:
   • Parents
   • Family
   • Friends
   • Teachers
   • Surrounding people
   
   
   
2. Indirect Human Interaction (Man-made communication media):
• TV
• Video
• Internet
• Music



3. Inner Speech




• Inner speech refers to the things that we say to ourselves with our thoughts and our feelings.

• Inner speech has an important role in determining our individual actions.

• Inner speech arises from the accumulated life experiences stored in our Total Past Learning History (TPLH), and is a big factor in how we perceive all things.

Inner speech plays a special role in our ability to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong, and in exercising the free will granted us by Allah.

The Shaping of Character

PERCEPTION ....

• Perception interprets all information received by our five senses and acts as a filter. This filter is not objective, it is always coloured in some manner.





• Every individual's perception is different because it is influenced by unique environmental factors (physical, social and inner speech) and by the Total Past Learning History (TPLH) of that specific individual.

The following example illustrates different perceptions towards cigarette smoking:

• A smoker may see smoking as pleasurable, stylish and status enhancing.





• A non-smoker may see smoking as foul smelling, endangering health, and a waste of money.





• Parents need to help their children develop an Islamic perception, so they see the world from an Islamic point of view no matter what the circumstances.

Parents have to ensure that their children's Total Past Learning History (TPLH) is positive.....

1. A child's character development depends on their exposure to either positive or negative influences.





2. All such exposure, whether positive or negative, will be imprinted in the child's mind as part of their Total Past Learning History.





3. The Total Past Learning History determines a child's character and behaviour, and is influenced by the previously mentioned three environmental factors, of which social interaction and inner speech are the most important.





4. Our Total Past Learning History will determine our personality, thoughts, words, actions and everything else about who and what we are.





5. Our aim is to ensure only positive messages are written in our children's Total Past Learning History so that our children can become excellent individuals.

Our responsibility as parents is to mould positive characteristics/traits in our children.

Examples of positive traits are:

• Loving Allah
• Compassion towards our fellow men
• Mutual respect
• Consideration of others
• Courtesy and good manners
• Avoidance of conflict and aggression towards others
• Hardworking at their studies
• Perseverance in any endeavour
• Honesty in all matters

How should we act with our children in order to ensure positive messages are written in their Total Past Learning History? ....

1. By rewarding them for every positive (good) action that they do.

2. By rewarding them for refraining from every negative (bad) action.

3. By giving calm and gentle feedback about any wrong that is done and kind instruction on the right way to do things.
   

   This procedure is called DIRECTED POSITIVE INFLUENCE!
    

4. Directed positive influence means ensuring children are rewarded every time they do something good or when they refrain from doing something prohibited, as well as pointing out their mistakes in a caring manner when they do something wrong.

5. In this way children will be encouraged to do more and more good things, and will leave the bad alone. They will do this because they will come to love what is good and despise what is bad.

What kinds of REWARDS are to be given?

• Attention
• Respect and Appreciation
• Words of praise
• Words of encouragement
• Words of thanks
• Mentioning the good deeds performed by our children
• Showing care and compassion in our words and actions
• Bringing our children along on walks or trips
• Giving presents (only occasionally)

Note: Children can be taught to reward themselves using their own inner speech (this is very important).

 

THE ROLE OF INNER SPEECH: THE STORY OF YUSUF Yusuf came from a small village and was raised with lots of care, compassion and with strong religious teachings. While waiting for his final exam results from high school, he went to visit his aunt in Kuala Lumpur (but this could happen in almost any big city in the world) and was taken by his cousin to a birthday party. This party involved only teenagers, and there was loud rock music with dancing. Suddenly, a group of young men brought out a carton of beer, and started distributing bottles to all who were present. Yusuf was offered a bottle of beer which he refused, but his new found friends kept on offering it to him. "Relax, man…. Just give it a taste. It's not like we're gonna get drunk. We've all tried it before, and nothing bad happened." Yusuf said to himself (with his inner speech), "Alcohol is definitely haram, and I must be strong in my stand on this. Let them call me old-fashioned if they want, but I will not let this offer of temporary pleasure shake my conviction. It doesn't matter if they will not befriend me. Perhaps I should leave this party. Even before this, I was already uncomfortable with all the dancing and open flirting that's going on here." Yusuf persuaded his cousin - who himself did not imagine that the party would be like this - to leave with him. On the way home, Yusuf said to himself with his thoughts, "I'm very proud of myself for not being easily influenced away from what I know is right. May Allah always keep me on the straight path"

Please notice from the example above that Yusuf used positive inner speech in two separate instances:

1. In assuring himself that he would not be pressured by his peers into doing something wrong.

2. In giving himself a reward in his mind after he had successfully refrained from committing any wrongs.

   • Inner speech can influence someone's actions in either a positive or negative manner. It all depends on the Total Past Learning History and that individual's own perception of their circumstances.

   • Educating children from an early age to be Allah's Representative on earth (Khalifah Allah) will ensure the development of positive inner speech.

 

 

Just as Allah has made it His Law (Sunnatullah) that all events, natural phenomena, and creatures should obey the laws of physics, chemistry and biology, He has also made it His Law (Sunnatullah) that a child's character will be developed according to the Laws of Learning.

The Laws of Learning explain how all learning takes place, including the development of character:

1. Every action or trait, whether good or bad, is developed through either the giving of reward or the applying of punishment.

2. Giving a reward after any action will increase the likelihood that the action will be repeated in the future. Both the frequency of the action, as well as the whole-hearted willingness to do that action, will increase. (This principle should be given much weight in the molding of a child's character.)

3. Applying punishment after any action will decrease the likelihood of that action being repeated in the future. (But, besides having serious negative side effects, punishment will often lose its effectiveness in the long run.)

4. Reward will thus shape an individual's positive character much better than punishment.

5. The best process for shaping character is through small rewarded steps that move progressively towards any goal (i.e. attaining good character). This is called the SHAPING PROCESS.

6. Every small achievement should ideally be reinforced positively through the giving of reward.

7. This SHAPING PROCESS can be made even more effective by helping our children learn to reward themselves through their inner speech.

 

SHAPING PROCESS

 

AN EXAMPLE OF SHAPING

The Objective: Your child is to keep his bedroom neat and orderly. This objective can be achieved through the following small steps (rather than requiring it all at once) that the child is rewarded for performing:

• Step 1: Towels are to be hung up to dry and dirty clothes are to be put into a laundry basket; do not allow clothes to be scattered on the floor.

• Step 2: The bed is to be made up every morning and the floor swept.

• Step 3: Dust is wiped and the books are neatly stacked on the desk.

• Step 4: The room is decorated

• Finally, the whole room is always neat, clean, and orderly

When each step is successfully completed, the child is given a reward in the form of words of encouragement, appreciation and occasionally some little treat, such as an ice-cream.

 

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