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Domestic Violence
"0 you who Believe! Truly among your wives
and your children are some who are enemies to yourselves, so beware of them, but
if you forgive and overlook and cover up their faults, surely Allah is
Forgiving, Merciful. Your riches and your children may be a test, but
in the Presence of Allah is the highest reward." (Quran 64:11-15)
Of all of the horrible crimes that are steadily increasing in the
United States, perhaps the most heartbreaking and far-reaching is
domestic violence. In 1992, the American Medical Association predicted
that as many as one in three women will be assaulted by a domestic
partner in her lifetime, four million per year. According to a
September 1994 report from MS. Magazine, each year in the U.S.,
injuries sustained from domestic violence result in nearly 100,000
cases of hospitalization, 30,000 emergency room visits and 40,000
doctor visits. Each year medical expenses from domestic violence total
at least $3 billion. The FBI reports that in 1992, 29 percent of all
female murder victims were slain by husbands or boyfriends, and fifty
per cent of all homeless women and children were fleeing from domestic
violence.
Sadly, more than three million children witness violence in their
homes each year, and they are adversely affected in countless ways.
Understandably, such children often reflect the emotional turmoil
caused by seeing the father whom they love abusing the mother whom they
also love. Studies indicate that children who grow up with domestic
violence are far more likely to exhibit negative behaviors such as:
social withdrawal, serious problems with temper tantrums, treating
pets cruelly, and seeking attention through hitting, kicking, or
choking. A tell-tale reaction of children growing up in violent homes
is their tendency to cringe whenever someone raises an arm for any
reason. In fact, one third of the children who have witnessed their
mothers being battered demonstrate significant behavioral and
emotional problems such as stuttering, sleep disruption, excessive
crying, and poor academic performance. Even more unfortunate is the
fact that fifty percent of the women who are abused misdirect their
bitterness and pain onto their innocent children and beat them.
Because such children often have difficulty trusting others, they
eventually resort to run-away behavior and often experience difficulty
in marital relationships when they become adults. A report entitled
"The Invisible Victim: Children of the War At Home" asserts that 79
per cent of violent children have witnessed violence between their
parents. Studies by Hotaling and Sugerman indicate that boys who
witness their fathers' abuse of their mothers are more likely to
inflict severe violence as adults. Likewise, the same studies conclude
that girls who witness maternal abuse are more likely to tolerate
abuse as an adult than women from peaceful homes.
The ripples go beyond the homes into the schools where children
act out their anguish by fighting with classmates and teachers, into
the workplace where 25 per cent of problems such as absenteeism due to
injury and court appearances, lower productivity, and employee
turnover are direct results of family violence, and into courtrooms
and prisons that are overwhelmed with cases of domestic abuse. In June
1991, it was announced at a presentation at the Harvard School of
Public Health that there were 2,000 battered women in America who were
serving time for defending their lives against batterers.
To add to the chaos, enemies of Islam try to imply that Islam
condones domestic violence. They cite from the Qur'an:
"As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and
ill-conduct, admonish them first, then do not share their beds, and last, strike
them lightly, but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means of
annoyance: for Allah is Most High, Above you all." (Quran 4:34)
As usual, they are distorting the meaning of this passage and taking it
out of context. It applies to the case of "Nushuz" (extreme defiance,
contempt, lewdness) on the part of the wife and disregard for her
marital obligations. It recommends a progression of strategies to try
to reform her behavior, first admonition, secondly withholding
affection, and only as a last resort, a symbolic light striking which
according to Islamic jurists may not be in her face, must not leave any mark on
her body, and has no more physical impact than a tap from a miswak (small
toothbrush). At the same time, those who attempt to distort this passage are
overlooking many sayings of Allah and Prophet Muhammad, "How does any of you beat
his wife as he beats a stallion camel and then feel that he may embrace her?"
(Bukhari)
In fact, instead of condoning domestic violence, Islam, the way of life that
brings peace through submission and surrender to The Will of The Creator, offers
an entirely different picture of how husband and wife relations should be
conducted. The Qur'an encourages a tenderness and empathy between the husband
and wife: It is He Who created you from a single person, and made your mate of
like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love. When you are united,
she bears a light burden and carries it about unnoticed. When she grows heavy,
they both pray to Allah, "If You give us a goodly child, we vow we shall ever be
grateful." (Quran 7:189) Thus Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta 'Ala has intended for
husbands and wives to live together peacefully, to bear children and rear them
properly, and to be grateful to Him for the blessing of their family life.
Undoubtedly, for Muslims, the best examples of how families should communicate
and interact can be found in the household of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) and his
righteous companions (ra) for Rasulullah (pbuh), his relationships with his
family were based on love and affection, not subordination and servitude.
Rasulullah (pbuh) demonstrated kind treatment of family members:
"Anas (ra) reported Rasulullah (pbuh) as saying: "He who wishes to have his
provision enlarged and his term of life prolonged should treat his relatives
well. (Bukhari, Muslim) Reported Anas (ra): I have never seen anyone more kind
to his family than Allah's Messenger (pbuh)." (Muslim)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) taught men to be tolerant of flaws in their wives.
He often reminded his companions of an ayat from the Quran (4:1 0) "Treat them
kindly. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has
placed abundant good in it." He (pbuh) enjoyed leisure time and allowed his
family to have fun. Many hadith speak of his running against Aisha in foot races
and joking with her about who would win. He even allowed his very young grandsons,
Hasan and Husain, to play on his shoulders while he was making salaat.
Rasulullah (pbuh) permitted wives to have freedom of expression:
It is narrated by Umar that once he shouted at his wife, and she retorted
back, and he disliked her answering back. She said to him, "Why are you surprised
at my answering you back? By Allah, the wives of the Prophet answer him back and
some of them may avoid speaking to him throughout the day until the night." This
talk frightened Umar so he went to his daughter, Hafsa (ra) who was married to
Rasulullah (pbuh) and asked, "Do any of you keep the Prophet annoyed until night?"
She said "yes." (Bukhari)
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) encouraged generosity to enhance family ties and
reduce resentment:
He (pbuh) said: 'When a Muslim spends something on his family
in- tending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as sadaqah for him."
(Bukhari) Narrated Aisha (ra) that Hind bint Utba came to Rasulullah (pbuh) and
said, "O Allah's Messenger! Abu Sufiyan (her husband) is a miser and he does not
give me enough for me and my children. Can I take of his property without his
knowledge?" Rasulullah (pbuh) replied, "Take what is sufficient for you and your
children in a reasonable way." (Bukhari)
The Prophet (pbuh) demonstrated in action as well as words consideration of
the feelings of others. We should never be so rigid with having our own way that
we fail to consider the feelings of our family members. Even in a matter as
important as salah, we find some room for flexibility and special consideration
for the feelings of women and children. Rasulullah (pbuh) said,
"As I start salah, I wish t prolong it, but as soon as I hear
the crying of a child I shorten it so as to make it easier for the child' mother."
(Reported by Al-Bukhari)
Islam has offered marriage counseling to troubled couples for 14 centuries.
Rasulullah (pbuh) avoided getting angry with his family members even in the
most stressful situations. Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) emphasized control of one's
temper and taught effective ways to curb anger. He advised his companions (ra)
that if they found themselves becoming angry while standing, they should sit down,
and if they become angry while sitting, they should lie down. (Agreed upon)
Rather than getting embroiled in quarrels with escalating tempers, he avoided
getting angry, sounding accusatory, judgmental, or focusing on blaming. Instead,
he would first try to express concern about the problem, gather all the facts,
and then calmly try to analyze the best solution. Consider the incident of the
slander against a wife of Prophet Muhammad (pbuh), Aisha (ra), who was
inadvertently left behind during an expedition and was brought back to the group
by a man named Safwan. Evil people started rumors against A'isha's honor, but
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) never accused Aisha of the slander and never became a
typical outraged husband. While the rumors were spreading, Prophet Muhammad
(pbuh) visited Aisha in her parents' home, sat down, and quietly said,
"O Aisha, I have been informed of such and such a thing about
you, and if you are innocent, Allah will reveal your innocence, and if you have
committed a sin, then ask Allah's forgiveness and repent to Him, for when a slave
confesses his sin and then repents to Allah, Allah accepts his repentance."
(Bukhari)
Clearly, Islam encourages kind treatment of family members. Likewise, these examples illustrate
what Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) meant when he said:
"The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am
the best of you to my family." (Mishkat, hadith #2 chapter 35)
Moreover, Islam for fourteen centuries has offered marriage counseling as
sensible advice for couples who begin to feel that they are incompatible. If you
fear a breach between the two of them, appoint arbiters - one from his family and
one from hers. If they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation. For
Allah has full knowledge and is acquainted with all things." (Quran 4.-35)
Finally, if all efforts to resolve the tensions in the home fail, Islam
allows a peaceful dissolution of the marriage. If a wife fears cruelty or
desertion on her husband's part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an
amicable settlement between themselves; and such settlement is best even though
men's souls are swayed by greed. But if you do good and practice self-restraint,
Allah is well acquainted with all that you do. (Qur'an 4:128)
Most importantly, husbands and wives should turn to Allah to bring harmony to
their marriages because He hears and responds to their prayers. Consider the case
of ]Khaula bint Thalaba (ra), the wife of Aus ibn Samit. Her husband tried to
divorce her by a pagan custom of Zihar, an unjustifiable excuse to be freed from
the marriage commitment. She prayed to Allah, and a revelation was sent to
Rasulullah (pbuh) in her behalf. Allah has indeed heard and accepted the statement
of the woman who pleads about her husband and carries her complaint in prayer
to Allah. And Allah always hears the arguments between both sides among you, for
Allah hears and sees all things; (Quran, 58:1) Of course, we cannot receive new
revelation for our problems today because the Qur'an is complete and sealed as
the Final Revelation. Nevertheless, if we study the Qur'an, make dua, and make
istikahra with open minds and totally submissive hearts, Allah will guide us for
important decisions and issues in our family life. Ultimately, we must bear in
mind, that as much as we may love our families, our love and commitment to Allah
(SWT) must be even greater.
To summarize, families in America today face enormous challenges and can
benefit from the instructions of the Holy Qur'an and the example of Prophet
Muhammad (pbuh) who was an ideal family man. From this guidance, families can
reflect the truth of the following words:
"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and
mercy between your hearts; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.
(Quran 30:21)
Daughters and sons first learn proper
female/male behavior at home. Often, that is all they ever learn.
About Abuse
The abuse is not, repeat, not your fault. No one deserves to be treated this
treatment. Nothing you have ever done justifies physical, verbal, sexual, or
emotional abuse. No one, not even a married woman, should be forced to have sex
against her will.
Repeat this over and over to yourself: "Battering does not get better over
time--it only gets worse, much worse!!"
Always remember: respect is another word for love. You deserve respect in a
relationship and should leave any relationship where respect is not shown.
Verbal Abuse
Many men are so verbally cruel and abusive that conversations with them can
be a body slam to the soul. Others are more subtle.
Although verbal abuse does not leave black eyes or visible bruises, it is
often more seriously damaging to your self-image. Certainly it scars your spirit
the same way physical abuse scars your body. Verbal abuse is cruel.
One in four women admits to being verbally abused. Experts feel the figure is
much higher because many women never discuss verbal abuse. Indeed, some do not
even recognize that they are being verbally abused.
Often a verbal abuser is quite sensitive to outsiders finding out about the
abuse and is very careful to save these scenes for the home environment only.
Many verbal abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their
spouse or girlfriend with such respect that people often think they "are the
perfect couple."
They save their cruelty for a private audience of one--or maybe the children
are allowed to witness this display. Children don't really count until they are
grown or begin to tell others about this treatment. Indeed, the children are
often abused, too.
Why do intelligent, warm women permit verbal abuse
from spouses and boyfriends?
One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the
change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe
it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless,
incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks
they are so worthless and unlovable, then "it must be true."
When there are children involved, women usually weigh the consequences of
divorce to those children. Some women think, "Is this so bad that I can't stand
it until the children are grown? After all, it's not physical abuse."
Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until
verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving, especially with children,
even harder.
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the
confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making
her doubt her instincts. He also charms the people around them, so that the
verbally abused woman finds few people who will believe or offer support to her.
If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might answer with, " What's wrong
with you, making such a big deal out of nothing." or "Come on, honey, I was drunk
..... I had a bad day at work .....I was upset with the kids, etc.You know I
didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in
the world loves you--remember."
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship, start by acknowledging the
abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is
weakened. Seek outside help from a counselor or support group. Outside help may
be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of
your "charmer" and don't offer belief or support.
Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Unlike the woman who
is being physically abused, you have time to plan. Don't stay too long, though,
because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of
actually leaving. Remember, verbal abuse, can and sometimes does, turn physical.
Verbal abuse escalates. Physical abuse escalates.
Links:
WEAVE - Women Empowered Against Violence
Men and Domestic Violence Index
Stepping Together
What does Islam say about domestic violence?
Domestic Violence in the West
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