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Pointers on Choosing Marriage Partners
In light of the experience of the past years, it
is time to take stock and try to halt the ever-mounting tide of
divorces among Muslims. It is not unusual today to find Muslim women
(and even an occasional Muslim man) who, by the time they are 30 or
35, have been married three or four times, their children suffering
again and again through the trauma of fatherless and broken homes.
Accordingly, we may list a few essential points to be considered by
both brothers and sisters in the process of choosing a partner in life
(although the masculine pronoun has been used throughout for the sake
of simplicity, the following is generally equally applicable to both
men and women).
1. Du'a.
Unceasingly ask help and guidance from Allah, Most High,
in the matter of finding and choosing a mate. As often as you feel it
necessary pray Salaah al-Istikhara, Islam's special prayer for
guidance, in order to reach a suitable decision.
2. Consult your heart.
Listen to what your inner voice, the
'radar' which Allah has given you to guide you, tells you about the
prospective partner. It is likely to be more correct than your mind,
which often plays tricks and can rationalise almost any- thing. For
many people, first impressions are often the most accurate.
3. Enquire.
Find out the reason why this man wants to marry you.
Is he interested in you as an individual or will just any person do?
Why is he not doing the logical thing, that is, to marry someone from
his culture? If there is evidence that the primary reason for this
marriage, despite claims to the contrary, is for convenience
(greencard, money, property, etc.), forget it. This spells trouble.
4. Get to know your prospective partner, within the limits of what
is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage.
Just ' seeing' someone once or twice in the company of others, who may be anxious for
this marriage to take place, is simply not enough under today's
conditions, where two persons of totally dis-similar backgrounds are
meeting each other without the safeguards of families. Without
violating Islam's prohibition about being alone, try to understand his
nature, what makes him tick, his temperament, what he might be like to
live with.
5. Talk to several people who know your
prospective partner, not just one, or have someone whom you can trust do this
for you.
Ask about him from various people, not just from his friends because they
may conceal facts to do him a favour. And ask not only about his
background, career, Islamicity, etc., but about such crucial matters
as whether he gets angry easily; what he does when he is 'mad';
whether he is patient, polite, considerate; how he gets along with
people; how he relates to the opposite sex; what sort of relationship
he has with his mother and father; whether he is fond of children;
what his personal habits are, etc. And find out about his plans for
the future from people who know him. Do they coincide with what he has
told you? Go into as much detail as possible. Check out his plans for
the future - where you will live and what your lifestyle will be, his
attitudes toward money and possessions and the like. If you can't get
answers to such crucial questions from people who know him, ask him
yourself and try to make sure he is not just saying what he knows you
want to hear. Too many people will make all kinds of promises before
marriages in order to secure the partner they want but afterwards
forget that they ever made them, (this naturally applies equally to
women as to men).
6. Find out about his family, his relations with his parents,
brothers and sisters.
What will his obligations be to them in the
future? How will this affect where and under what conditions you will
live? What are the character and temperament of each of his parents?
Will they live with you or you with them? And are they pleased with
his prospective marriage to you or not? Although it may not be the
case in most Western marriages, among Muslims such issues are often
crucial to the success or failure of a marriage, and answers to these
questions need to be satisfactory to ensure a peaceful married life.
7. Understand each other's expectations.
Try to get a sense of your prospective partner's understanding of the
marriage relationship, how he will behave in various situations, and what he
wants of you as his spouse. These are issues which should be discussed clearly
and unambiguously as the negotiations progress, not left to become sources
of disharmony after the marriage because they were never brought up
beforehand. If you are too shy to ask certain questions, have a person
you trust do it for you. At an advanced stage of the negotiations,
such a discussion should include such matters as birth control, when
children are to be expected, how they are to be raised, how he feels
about helping with housework and with the children's upbringing,
whether or not you may go to school or work, relations with his family
and yours, and other vital issues.
8. See him interacting with others in various situations.
The more varied conditions under which you are able to observe your
prospective partner, the more clues you will have as to his mode of dealing with
people and circumstances.
9. Find out what his understanding of Islam is
and whether it is compatible with your own.
This is a very important matter. Is he expecting you to do many things which
you have not done up to this point? If he emphasises " Haraams", especially if
you are a new Muslimah, and seems unable to tolerate your viewpoint, chances are
your marriage will be in trouble unless you are flexible enough to accommodate
yourself to his point of view and possibly a very restrictive lifestyle. Let him
spell out to you clearly how he intends to practise Islam and how he
wants you to practise it as his wife so there will be no misunderstandings later.
10. Don't be in a hurry.
So many marriages have broken because the
partners are in such haste that they don't take time to make such
vital checks as the ones outlined above and rush into things. Shocking
as it may seem, marriages between Muslims which are contracted and
then broken within a week or a month or a year have become common
place occurrences among us. Don't add yourself to the list of marriage
casualties because you couldn't take time or were too desperate for
marriage to find out about or get to know the person with whom you
plan to spend the rest of your life.
11. Ask yourself, Do I want this man/woman to be the father/mother
of my children?
If it doesn't feel just right to you, think it over
again. Remember, marriage is not just for today or tomorrow but for
life, and for the primary purpose of building a family. If the person
in question doesn't seem like the sort who would make a good parent,
you are likely to find yourself struggling to raise your children
without any help from him or her - or even with negative input - in
the future.
12. Never allow yourself to be pressured or talked into a marriage.
Your heart must feel good about it, not someone else's. Again,
allegations of "Islamicity" - he is pious, has a beard, frequents the
Masjid, knows about Islam; she wears Hijab, does not talk to men- are
not necessarily guarantees of a good partner for you or of a good
marriage, but are only a part of a total picture. If an individual
practises the Sunnah only in relation to worship or externals, chances
are he /she has not really understood and is not really living Islam.
Possessing the affection and Rahmah (mercy) which Islam enjoins
between marriage partners is vital for a successful relationship, and
these are the important traits to be looked for in a prospective
partner.
13. Never consent to engaging in a marriage for a fixed period or
in exchange for a sum of money (Mut'a marriage).
Such marriages are expressly forbidden in Islam and entering into them is
a sinful act,as marriage must be entered into with a clear intention of it being
permanent, for life, not for a limited and fixed duration.
If these guidelines are followed, Insha' Allah the chances of
making a mistake which may mar the remainder of your life may be minimised.
Choosing a marriage partner is a most serious matter,perhaps the most
serious decision you will ever make in your life since your partner
can cause you either to be successful or to fail miserably, in the
tests of this life and, consequently, in the Hereafter. This decision
needs to be made with utmost care and caution, repeatedly seeking guidance
from your Lord.
If everything checks out favourable, well and good, best wishes
for happiness together here and in the Hereafter. If not, better
drop the matter and wait. Allah your Lord knows all about you, His
servant, and has planned your destiny and your partner for you. Be
sure that He will bring you together when the time is right. As the
Qur'an enjoins, you must be patient until He opens a way for you, and
for your part you should actively explore various marriage leads and
possibilities.
Two words addressed to brothers are in order here. If you are
marrying or have married a recent convert to Islam, you must be very
patient and supportive with her. Remember, Islam is new to her, and
chances are that she will not be able to take on the whole of the
Shari'ah at once - nor does Islam require this, if you look at the
history of early Islam. In your wife 's efforts to conform herself to
her new faith and culture, she needs time and a great deal of support,
love, help and understanding from you, free of interference from
outsiders. It is best to let her make changes at her own speed when
her inner being is ready for them rather than demanding that she do
this or that, even if it means that some time will elapse before she
is ready to follow certain Islamic injunctions. If the changes come
from within herself, they are likely to be sincere and permanent;
otherwise, if she makes changes because of pressure from you or from
others, she may always be unhappy with the situation and may look for
ways out of it. You can help her by being consistent in your own
behaviour. So many Muslims apply those parts of the Qur'an or Sunnah
which suit them and abandon the rest, with resulting confusion in the
minds of their wives and children. Thus, while firmly keeping the
reins in your hands, you should look at your own faults, not hers,
and be proud and happy with the efforts she is making. Make allowances,
be considerate, and show your appreciation of the difficult task she
is carrying out by every possible means. This will cause her to love
and respect you, your culture, and Islam to grow infinitely faster
than a harsh, dominating, forceful approach ever could.
Finally, a word of warning. Certain situations have occurred in
which women, posing as Muslims (or perhaps actually having made
Shahaadah), have deceived and made fools of numbers of Muslim men.
Such women may be extremely cunning and devious, operating as poor,
lonely individuals in need of help and/or husbands. The brothers who
fall into this net may be shown false photos, given false information
or promises, cheated in all sorts of ways, and finally robbed of
anything the conniving lady can manage to take from them. As was said,
it is wise to check out any prospective partner with local Muslims
who know her.
Keep your eyes open and take your time. Since marriage is for
life, for eternity, hurrying into it for any reason whatsoever is the
act of a foolish or careless person who has only himself or herself
to blame if things go wrong.
Links:
Marriage in Islam links
Choosing Marriage Partner for Daughter
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